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I decided to do Inktober. However I have very little technical skills in drawing. I just want to participate. So it is going to be more thinking of how to interpret the prompts so I can actually draw something I enjoy. I am mostly doing it on instagram. I figure I should include here as well. I’ll likely write more of my thoughts behind the drawing, since I have way more of those than actual drawings.

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I had movers come in, pack the last stuff I hadn’t made it to yet and put everything in a storage container. It was nice. The movers were friendly and we got along. It made me realize that almost all of my anxiety about packing was due to trying to do so much of it on my own. From now on I’ll just have packing parties and empty any alcohol bottles I have and eat up as much of my food as I have by feeding anyone who comes over.

Finding direction is going to be strange, because I am skilled in a number of areas that are all interesting to me. Now I have to work on either getting more certification, or make a living with something that just works off my fresh Psychology degree. The most difficult aspect, I predict, will be dealing with the impatience of my peers or loved ones. People have expectations they are comfortable with and ideas about success they believe in that are often excellent for their lives, but rarely extend to the people close to them even if they work for many people in the world. Because I have often pitched the idea of teaching social and communication skills, as my favorite cousin puts it “soft skills”, with great responses and at inopportune times gotten offers to be paid for such courses. I think I will start with pursuing that angle.

Whenever I have a day or week where I am on a roll and getting stuff done, eventually I hit a day where I have to slow down and do different work. For years I’ve felt guilty whenever this inevitably happens. I flare up with activity, and then ash out around where I am getting excited about how productive I’ve been. Today is one of those days. However, unlike the years before I’ve been able to maintain a peace of mind. I’ve been doing better and better about sitting for regular meditation. I think it is what has given me the space to be okay with slowing down. I still got important things done today, and I am writing this, for instance. I think in the past I was too devoted to productive days being an all-or-nothing issue. The day was either a success or failure, while now these slow days are when I have to look for other ways to keep myself moving on my goals. Today has been good for research and for moving things around that haven’t needed much decision making longterm plans. Getting the in-between things done so that when the wind picks back up I will just be able to raise my sails and move on.

I am moving out of my apartment. “I am not too good at moving,” I keep thinking. Packing my stuff away reminds me of how much stuff I still own. Which reminds me of how hard a time I have with letting go of my possessions. It is hard not to judge myself for this after so many years reading spiritual texts that constantly encourage the relinquishment of physical attachments. However at the same time it is gratifying to see my things ordered and arranged. Each thing in it’s place. Finally. I wonder if it is easier to discard the things that have served their purpose in my life when they are organized like this. It may be more difficult because of how the options are hidden. It reminds me of the idea that it is easier to make some decisions one by one. I think that non-attachment might be like that with items, for me personally. When I see it all laid out I feel like I am getting rid of a part of a whole thing and making it less of a thing. When I am choosing books out of a box they are just items I am shopping through. It helps a bunch that some of my friends are minimalists. They are always inspiring me to let go and give away. It reminds me how nice it is for the person receiving when ever they give me a gift and be association how good it would feel to be the person giving the gift.

If my plans go well, I may be moving to a whole different country. I can barely imagine what it is like to move with just a suitcase of your favorite cloths and maybe a few keepsakes. More about that if it approaches reality any time soon.

I graduated from college last week on April 28th, 2018. I got a Bachelor’s of Arts in Psychology with a Minor in Philosophy. I started college in 2009 and a year laterI had to take my first break from college because I wasn’t focussing well enough for it to be worth taking classes and there was a growing legal battle in my family that I needed to be around to know what was happening. I went back after a semester off and staid with it for a few more years. I failed classes if I didn’t get along with the professor. I always did well in classes that I liked or got along with them. Then I had to take another break that lasted a school year. I got heartbroken. Got a job as a hipster Barista. Learned how to work just for work’s sake. Got heartbroken again, and that was around when I came back to college and now have finished.

There wasn’t much time wasted these years. I made friends who I’ve kept over long distances and many years. I saw each year a new culture of people come into the college and tried to learn as much as I could about how life as a teenager had changed since I first came to college. What mattered to people and how they made friends. It feels like I’ve lived three or four lives just in college. I’ve had different major friend-groups and close friends. I’ve had all sorts of relationships and have gotten frustrated over how few words English has for the different ways you can love people. From years where almost everyone on campus knew me to years where no one did to where the professors felt more like my peers than my classmates because I had been there as long as they had. I’ve made use of every week I’ve been here to learn about people and the world inside and outside of class.

I wrote this because of how many memes and jokes I see about how life gets harder or goes downhill or just kinda stops being fun after college. It reminded me that the only reason life feels stagnant is because you aren’t pushing your growth on your own power. So I felt like writing something.

 

Also, I taught my cat to sit on command, and to come to his name. Not much more, he is pretty well behaved.

Yep. not sure, so I’m just going to free-write for a few minutes and then delete all the parts that embarass me. It’d be great if that ended up the only sentence left hahahaha like an homage to being slefconscious. That’d be rich. But hey mayeb I’ll leave this stuff. I wonder why people have been rejecting me so much recently from friendship to romance it feels like there is a war against being in my life. On the same note I have made new friends, perhaps people are leaving at the same rate they always have but I am focussed on them instead of the ones who stay. I am working hard on that because of when it occured to me last week. Like when you are making plans, you should always opt for the plans witht he person who has hung out with you before who has been there through the weeks, rather than the person who is novel. It is simply the just way to reward someone for being in your life is to give them precedence. I also just listened to Joy on Demand by Chade Meng-Tan. I had read the book but decided to read it aswell because I tend to earn auditory lessons better. It is still excelent and I will probably have it as my go-to book on tape in the car when I’m not being sucked through another wonderful Terry Pratchett audiobook. I’m so glad Audible has been successful and made audio books more available. The section at Barnes and Noble was always painful for me and I ended up almost only being interested in the Stephen Hawking books there. But that was also upsetting because they didn’t have the book read in his voice which has dissappoointed me for years.

 

That was fun. No editting, except brief deletions. Just simple writing word vomit.

Recently I jumped onto the workout program at Gymnastic Strength Training after listening to Tim Ferriss’ interview of Christopher Sommers. I like the way it programs things for you. I can not stand the way the video coaching works. It clearly took work to make videos for every step and sub-step, but then they made these tiny core mistakes that drive me WILD. Clearly no one else seems to care, though. Cause no mention is made on the forums about anyone else taking issue with it. All I want is a bit more verbal direction during exercise, and less silent doing of the exercises on a video while expecting me to be some odd rotating position. I tend to complain.

So far, other than the video issue, I am enjoying the program. It is clearly something I can build on. It feels like a much more sophisticated experience of Convict Conditioning. The best part is that while I am sore like I would be normally, I am not nearly as tight. This aspect of the built in mobility training is fantastic.

The courses are a bit pricey, but so far that has helped me be more regular in my workouts than I normally am.

I always feel like writing on here like LiveJournal in the early days. Just spilling sloppy teenage angst all over the page.

It would make sense today. I had a close call with a low glucose last night. In the middle of having some existential doubts this week. It seems that miniture existential crisis are becoming a pattern for me. Not good. 

I guess the last one I just post-poned or wasn’t fully resolved. Or I pushed through another goal? I did get the job I wanted, finally. It isn’t a life-long commitment. I doubt I can pay for my diabetic medication working as a Barista. I enjoy it though, and it is a good experience surrounded by friends. Maybe reaching that goal has opened a new challenge for me. I hope to write more later. 
I just don’t feel comfortable with my life right now. 

I sprained some muscle or tendon in the bridge of my foot, among other unpleasant things. So I stopped with working out for a bit while letting my foo heal. It took a week or two. I did do some push-ups and upper body work near the end cause I got bored.

 

Now I’ve been doing a bit of a holding pattern by doing Stronglifts 5×5 for 3 weeks. I want to check out Gymnasticbodies.com but I just started a college course in Positive Psychology and have had more hours at work so I am waiting until either there is less for me to focus on, or I get less committed to Stronglifts. Then I’ll check out that gymnastic strength program.

On Tuesday I worked out again. My calves were still feeling like blocks of wood so I went with an upper body HIIT consisting of One-Arm Kettlebell Rows and push-ups. This was significantly harder than the Kettlebell swings. I used my 36lb kettlebell, and I just barely made it through the last session of push-ups. I am working on how to keep count of my rounds. The first time I did it just writing numbers in my smartphone during the rest periods, but in looking for a less complex method I found an old row counter in my knitting supplies and used that instead. I will stick with that method, it was nice and simple.

My next workout will be Sprints, which should be later today. My mood is kinda strange, but no particular reason for it. I plan on just pushing through that and getting my sprints done. I think it will help that my girlfriend wants to do them with me ^_^