Archives for category: Journal

He walks into the coffee shop and walks up to the register. It’s his favorite place in town, all of them. His second home. He barely knows the barista standing there and for a second panics as he looks for the names. He looks around his memories and before he finds them his eye catches a board with skinny modern retro polaroids with people posing as naturally as they can with names scribbled on the grips with a sharpie. Lincoln, that’s his name. He’s seen him before and enjoyed their conversation. The context flowing back he feels guilty for losing that one detail or which name floating in his mind is connected to him and so he has no idea what drink he wants when the small talk runs out and it is time to choose. He goes with a latte and notices Theo walking towards the doors through the giant floor to ceiling glass front of the store.

Now he can’t find his wallet. He keeps looking and looking through the same pockets. Patting himself down like a criminal. Stepping to the side so Theo can order it becomes a battle of friendliness. Just as he says for the other to go ahead he finds his wallet. It only took reaching in the same pocket five times in a row to realize it was a wallet and not a glucometer. He pays for his order a bit quicker than normal. Excited to see friends but nervous and in the way, in his mind.

Sitting at the coffee bar they talk about couches, art, and graduating from college. Eventually they get into a discussion of Old Boy and Youtubers and Sincerity. Can you choose to be sincere? He talks about how he doesn’t believe you can and how listening to Alan Watts influenced most of his thoughts on the topic. Maybe Jesse will take his sofa away though. It’s a good conversation and they part ways.

 

Descriptive writing, changed names because I felt like it.

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Probably not, but I am going to write something anyways. I’ve been doing some of the Gymnastic Strength stuff each week. Not as much as I’d like, but I always have high expectations. Gotta grab some health insurance this next month or 2 so I bet I’ll have something to write about my experience with that.

In the mean time, here are some random things I have learned recently:

  • Hold a Stretch for at least 2 minutes.
  • Check out Sleep Cycles by Neat Beats
  • Confronting people in person, briefly, about dropping out of text conversations gets them to start responding.
  • It doesn’t feel like much to pace for 2.5 miles in your own home.
  • Living near Ducks is very satisfying.

When I get really Depressed I have a tactic that almost always works. I sit down and start making a list that will define the morning of my day. It is a morning routine that I plan in minute detail. It works even better when there is a nighttime routine also.

Last time I made it I had 28 steps to follow on a sheet of paper I kept next to my bed. I followed every step without thought during the next 2 hours and by the end I was confident, accomplished valuable daily goals, and fed for work. After 4~5 days I felt okay again and stopped following the plan so I could spend more time with my Girlfriend at night. There have been times where I lived this way for months.

One of my big challenges is finding a way to do something like this while having a significant other. I value people over systems, but the system is perhaps the most important tool I have for fighting depression. Honestly, that is a topic that might take years to figure out. Right now I have something else in mind.

I’m not sad enough to follow my routine.

A weird idea, right? However, I find that I am happy enough right now that it isn’t this do or die importance pushing me to sit-up and drink water and start the routine. I wake up or go to bed whenever because things will be alright and nothing terrible is going to happen if I don’t. I’m not going to spend the day in bed, or miss too many meals, or lose my job cause I didn’t follow the routine. If I were depressed and struggling, then I’d also be forcing myself to hold onto the routine by my finger-tips just to keep my lifestyle afloat until calmer times.

I need a way to connect those darker times to why I follow a routine whenever I have the chance to follow one. If I could just make the routine my Default way of living through the first 2 hours of my day. I bet I could also cut down on the time depression steals from me.

I was listening to a podcast interview of Seth Godin by Tim Ferriss and they were talking about how to write well. Seth mentioned starting and regularly writing in a blog. He clearly meant writing a blog to say things about the world and how things will turn out, but I’m not ready to do that yet. It did make me want to write more often. Write more terrible stuff. So eventually I will write something good.

Paragraphs and Poems

Laying in my bed I was thinking about the first time I learned how to write a paragraph. Really the beginning of my learning to write anything that wasn’t just practice of how to write a letter or learn grammar.

A paragraph begins with a statement of it’s purpose. After that you write about supporting ideas, which I think of as premises, that make that statement a reality. Finally, the paragraph wraps up what it said in some sort of synthesis, and has to be three sentences long.

I really enjoyed sitting and thinking about the first time I learned about paragraphs. I have no idea where I was other than guessing by the school I went to etc. etc.. However, I can almost hear the voice of the woman explaining it to me. I wonder how many times people think about these sorts of things? Do published authors think back to when they learned the structure of a paragraph, or the first time they were required to think up their own 5-paragraph essay?

I think about whether there is anything more complex, in prose, other than the paragraph. Essays work in a similar structure. Research Papers have the same Thesis, Premises/Evidence, and Synthesis. Poems are entirely different. Fiction even does a similar activity with foreshadowing and other devices. I’ve written poetry. I’ve attempted to finish many research papers on-time. I kept excellent journals. Almost the only thing I’ve written in most categories, besides things you could actually make money from, and I often feel like you are always writing a Paragraph or a Poem.

Just felt like writing something on here. I’ve been building some habits over the last month. Mostly I am back on the wagon with daily meditation. Usually 20~30 minutes a day but I got up to an hour today.

Been planning a workout and nutrition plan for Spring, so I can jump onto something as soon as the we reach the equinox. As I did in the Winter, I am basing my exercise and health on Taoist health practices from The Yellow Emperor’s Classic. Mostly that meant doing almost nothing in Winter. Now I need to build flexibility and endurance. I am not certain what that will include other than that I am interested in using HIIT principles or workouts.

Thankfully today I did not wake up with a low glucose. So I didn’t wake up feeling like I was dying his time. It was nice.

I learned some more Japanese. Finally Pronounced Schuykill Sandwich correctly. Saw some of my good friends at the coffee shop.

I am going to start eating really boring meals in order to practice some stoicism. I got into a habit of making really great beans and meat bowls last year. However now I won’t eat the beans without that 1-2 hour process. So I am just going to have beans with salt, and maybe some bacon grease I have saved up from my last package of bacon. Once I finish my current loaf of bread and gallon of milk I will try doing a more strict idea of stoic meals.

http://theancientwisdomproject.com/2014/02/stoicism-day-12-the-stoics-would-not-instagram-their-meals/

Well, things have changed, but not much internally. I still don’t have direction, despite looking for it. I stopped writing here, and that is a shame. So, for now, I’ll just write my thoughts and not try too hard to write well as long as I post more often.

There is one thing I have been keeping up with. I am still studying Japanese using the Fluent Forever system. I am enjoying myself and am finally moving from the Pronunciation Trainer stage to the Vocabulary stage. Kanji is hard, but much more fun than English letters and words.

I fell out of both my practice of meditation and my workout routine, and really almost every routine I had. Despite that my Glucose levels have been in-range for longer than any point in the past 10-15 years.

I’m writing this post to get started and also because I am a little worried that I might be going into another cycle of depression soon. Hopefully writing will help me stay out of it and remind me of things I am getting done. I mean, before I wrote this post I had forgotten how well I am doing with Japanese and Glucose Averages, so it seems to be working.

I hope everyone who reads this is having a good Holiday Season 🙂

Websites:

https://fluent-forever.com/

One of the things that is always unnerving about the days where I listen to my intuition and just let my mind take a break is how empty those days feel. Generally they are not empty. However that does not stop the end of the day feeling strange and lacking.

Today I saw an old friend, I laid out in the sun surrounded by beautiful women, I had a conversation with the owner of a local business I love, I listened to an incredible guitar folk musician, I cooked myself a few meals, I got back in touch with yet another friend, had a conversation with someone I love, and even got some cleaning done. It was actually a very productive day. The only problem is how peaceful it all was. I even had good control over my glucose levels. It was probably an excellent day. Just…..so peaceful….

I think this is what puts people off from meditation or getting their mental life in order. When you are happy but not ecstatic it feels so flat. It feels better than being upset every other day or being constantly on the edge of an anxiety attack, but not the first day. The first day it feels like falling asleep in a hot bath and waking up to the water being that strange lukewarm experience where you stand up and feel wet instead of clean.

So, this is the stuff I am into at the moment:

1. At the advice of Ramose Daskalodos I am going to try and restart any habit that has fallen apart on the New Moon. Hopefully getting some umph from the timing, and reducing my down time from 1 month to 3 years down to 2 weeks.

2. Those habits are going to be a certain meditation, proper timing of my Longterm insulin, Cleaning my sink every night, using my Lumosity subscription each day, Studying for an hour each day, and balancing my “check book” each friday.

3. http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/ has caught my interest after Tim Ferriss linked to an article about the guy on Facebook. I like his ideas and have considered adopting a similar plan once I get more of a job going.

4. I’m going to get a Christmas job. Start interviews on Monday, hopefully the first one is a success and I can just prepare for that job.

5.  Listening to Caribou on repeat. http://youtu.be/vNOdF4zh9Kg

6.  I’m recalling 6 dreams a morning, soon to be lucid ones. Been closer every night.

I’ve been doing alot. Beating depression that was supposed to have died years ago, working hard for better grades in college, learning to utilize my dreams for various purposes, and maintaining some old friendships. I have not been working out or writing on here, though. Hopefully that will change soon. We’ll see.