I graduated from college last week on April 28th, 2018. I got a Bachelor’s of Arts in Psychology with a Minor in Philosophy. I started college in 2009 and a year laterI had to take my first break from college because I wasn’t focussing well enough for it to be worth taking classes and there was a growing legal battle in my family that I needed to be around to know what was happening. I went back after a semester off and staid with it for a few more years. I failed classes if I didn’t get along with the professor. I always did well in classes that I liked or got along with them. Then I had to take another break that lasted a school year. I got heartbroken. Got a job as a hipster Barista. Learned how to work just for work’s sake. Got heartbroken again, and that was around when I came back to college and now have finished.

There wasn’t much time wasted these years. I made friends who I’ve kept over long distances and many years. I saw each year a new culture of people come into the college and tried to learn as much as I could about how life as a teenager had changed since I first came to college. What mattered to people and how they made friends. It feels like I’ve lived three or four lives just in college. I’ve had different major friend-groups and close friends. I’ve had all sorts of relationships and have gotten frustrated over how few words English has for the different ways you can love people. From years where almost everyone on campus knew me to years where no one did to where the professors felt more like my peers than my classmates because I had been there as long as they had. I’ve made use of every week I’ve been here to learn about people and the world inside and outside of class.

I wrote this because of how many memes and jokes I see about how life gets harder or goes downhill or just kinda stops being fun after college. It reminded me that the only reason life feels stagnant is because you aren’t pushing your growth on your own power. So I felt like writing something.

 

Also, I taught my cat to sit on command, and to come to his name. Not much more, he is pretty well behaved.

I’ve begun clicker training my kitten, Cashew. So far I’ve only done two 5minute sessions that were mostly getting Cashew used to the noise and associating it with a treat. He REALLY got it and when he noses the clicker sitting on my coffee table or when it is attached to my wrist he purrs super loud. This kitten loves treats too, which is great because his food-drive will make it easier to train him.

Actively Training:

  1. Targeting, nose bump
  2. Self-control/stop nibbling on me.

Training Session #3

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He kept biting me as affection, so I figured I’d click him for each time he was nuzzling me, and take my hand away anytime he bit. I clicked and treated him about 5 times. He goes WILD for the treats so he got into a state of neurological arousal, marked by jerky movements and urgent searching, that I think made it harder for him to resist nibbling, especially when food is the reward. This reminded me of It’syerchoice popularized by Susan Garrett. I couldn’t find anything on it working with cats, so I am going to try it out myself to see what happens.

Yep. not sure, so I’m just going to free-write for a few minutes and then delete all the parts that embarass me. It’d be great if that ended up the only sentence left hahahaha like an homage to being slefconscious. That’d be rich. But hey mayeb I’ll leave this stuff. I wonder why people have been rejecting me so much recently from friendship to romance it feels like there is a war against being in my life. On the same note I have made new friends, perhaps people are leaving at the same rate they always have but I am focussed on them instead of the ones who stay. I am working hard on that because of when it occured to me last week. Like when you are making plans, you should always opt for the plans witht he person who has hung out with you before who has been there through the weeks, rather than the person who is novel. It is simply the just way to reward someone for being in your life is to give them precedence. I also just listened to Joy on Demand by Chade Meng-Tan. I had read the book but decided to read it aswell because I tend to earn auditory lessons better. It is still excelent and I will probably have it as my go-to book on tape in the car when I’m not being sucked through another wonderful Terry Pratchett audiobook. I’m so glad Audible has been successful and made audio books more available. The section at Barnes and Noble was always painful for me and I ended up almost only being interested in the Stephen Hawking books there. But that was also upsetting because they didn’t have the book read in his voice which has dissappoointed me for years.

 

That was fun. No editting, except brief deletions. Just simple writing word vomit.

Probably not, but I am going to write something anyways. I’ve been doing some of the Gymnastic Strength stuff each week. Not as much as I’d like, but I always have high expectations. Gotta grab some health insurance this next month or 2 so I bet I’ll have something to write about my experience with that.

In the mean time, here are some random things I have learned recently:

  • Hold a Stretch for at least 2 minutes.
  • Check out Sleep Cycles by Neat Beats
  • Confronting people in person, briefly, about dropping out of text conversations gets them to start responding.
  • It doesn’t feel like much to pace for 2.5 miles in your own home.
  • Living near Ducks is very satisfying.

Recently I jumped onto the workout program at Gymnastic Strength Training after listening to Tim Ferriss’ interview of Christopher Sommers. I like the way it programs things for you. I can not stand the way the video coaching works. It clearly took work to make videos for every step and sub-step, but then they made these tiny core mistakes that drive me WILD. Clearly no one else seems to care, though. Cause no mention is made on the forums about anyone else taking issue with it. All I want is a bit more verbal direction during exercise, and less silent doing of the exercises on a video while expecting me to be some odd rotating position. I tend to complain.

So far, other than the video issue, I am enjoying the program. It is clearly something I can build on. It feels like a much more sophisticated experience of Convict Conditioning. The best part is that while I am sore like I would be normally, I am not nearly as tight. This aspect of the built in mobility training is fantastic.

The courses are a bit pricey, but so far that has helped me be more regular in my workouts than I normally am.

When I get really Depressed I have a tactic that almost always works. I sit down and start making a list that will define the morning of my day. It is a morning routine that I plan in minute detail. It works even better when there is a nighttime routine also.

Last time I made it I had 28 steps to follow on a sheet of paper I kept next to my bed. I followed every step without thought during the next 2 hours and by the end I was confident, accomplished valuable daily goals, and fed for work. After 4~5 days I felt okay again and stopped following the plan so I could spend more time with my Girlfriend at night. There have been times where I lived this way for months.

One of my big challenges is finding a way to do something like this while having a significant other. I value people over systems, but the system is perhaps the most important tool I have for fighting depression. Honestly, that is a topic that might take years to figure out. Right now I have something else in mind.

I’m not sad enough to follow my routine.

A weird idea, right? However, I find that I am happy enough right now that it isn’t this do or die importance pushing me to sit-up and drink water and start the routine. I wake up or go to bed whenever because things will be alright and nothing terrible is going to happen if I don’t. I’m not going to spend the day in bed, or miss too many meals, or lose my job cause I didn’t follow the routine. If I were depressed and struggling, then I’d also be forcing myself to hold onto the routine by my finger-tips just to keep my lifestyle afloat until calmer times.

I need a way to connect those darker times to why I follow a routine whenever I have the chance to follow one. If I could just make the routine my Default way of living through the first 2 hours of my day. I bet I could also cut down on the time depression steals from me.

I was listening to a podcast interview of Seth Godin by Tim Ferriss and they were talking about how to write well. Seth mentioned starting and regularly writing in a blog. He clearly meant writing a blog to say things about the world and how things will turn out, but I’m not ready to do that yet. It did make me want to write more often. Write more terrible stuff. So eventually I will write something good.

Paragraphs and Poems

Laying in my bed I was thinking about the first time I learned how to write a paragraph. Really the beginning of my learning to write anything that wasn’t just practice of how to write a letter or learn grammar.

A paragraph begins with a statement of it’s purpose. After that you write about supporting ideas, which I think of as premises, that make that statement a reality. Finally, the paragraph wraps up what it said in some sort of synthesis, and has to be three sentences long.

I really enjoyed sitting and thinking about the first time I learned about paragraphs. I have no idea where I was other than guessing by the school I went to etc. etc.. However, I can almost hear the voice of the woman explaining it to me. I wonder how many times people think about these sorts of things? Do published authors think back to when they learned the structure of a paragraph, or the first time they were required to think up their own 5-paragraph essay?

I think about whether there is anything more complex, in prose, other than the paragraph. Essays work in a similar structure. Research Papers have the same Thesis, Premises/Evidence, and Synthesis. Poems are entirely different. Fiction even does a similar activity with foreshadowing and other devices. I’ve written poetry. I’ve attempted to finish many research papers on-time. I kept excellent journals. Almost the only thing I’ve written in most categories, besides things you could actually make money from, and I often feel like you are always writing a Paragraph or a Poem.

I always feel like writing on here like LiveJournal in the early days. Just spilling sloppy teenage angst all over the page.

It would make sense today. I had a close call with a low glucose last night. In the middle of having some existential doubts this week. It seems that miniture existential crisis are becoming a pattern for me. Not good. 

I guess the last one I just post-poned or wasn’t fully resolved. Or I pushed through another goal? I did get the job I wanted, finally. It isn’t a life-long commitment. I doubt I can pay for my diabetic medication working as a Barista. I enjoy it though, and it is a good experience surrounded by friends. Maybe reaching that goal has opened a new challenge for me. I hope to write more later. 
I just don’t feel comfortable with my life right now. 

I sprained some muscle or tendon in the bridge of my foot, among other unpleasant things. So I stopped with working out for a bit while letting my foo heal. It took a week or two. I did do some push-ups and upper body work near the end cause I got bored.

 

Now I’ve been doing a bit of a holding pattern by doing Stronglifts 5×5 for 3 weeks. I want to check out Gymnasticbodies.com but I just started a college course in Positive Psychology and have had more hours at work so I am waiting until either there is less for me to focus on, or I get less committed to Stronglifts. Then I’ll check out that gymnastic strength program.

On Tuesday I worked out again. My calves were still feeling like blocks of wood so I went with an upper body HIIT consisting of One-Arm Kettlebell Rows and push-ups. This was significantly harder than the Kettlebell swings. I used my 36lb kettlebell, and I just barely made it through the last session of push-ups. I am working on how to keep count of my rounds. The first time I did it just writing numbers in my smartphone during the rest periods, but in looking for a less complex method I found an old row counter in my knitting supplies and used that instead. I will stick with that method, it was nice and simple.

My next workout will be Sprints, which should be later today. My mood is kinda strange, but no particular reason for it. I plan on just pushing through that and getting my sprints done. I think it will help that my girlfriend wants to do them with me ^_^