Archives for category: Journal

One of the things that is always unnerving about the days where I listen to my intuition and just let my mind take a break is how empty those days feel. Generally they are not empty. However that does not stop the end of the day feeling strange and lacking.

Today I saw an old friend, I laid out in the sun surrounded by beautiful women, I had a conversation with the owner of a local business I love, I listened to an incredible guitar folk musician, I cooked myself a few meals, I got back in touch with yet another friend, had a conversation with someone I love, and even got some cleaning done. It was actually a very productive day. The only problem is how peaceful it all was. I even had good control over my glucose levels. It was probably an excellent day. Just…..so peaceful….

I think this is what puts people off from meditation or getting their mental life in order. When you are happy but not ecstatic it feels so flat. It feels better than being upset every other day or being constantly on the edge of an anxiety attack, but not the first day. The first day it feels like falling asleep in a hot bath and waking up to the water being that strange lukewarm experience where you stand up and feel wet instead of clean.

So, this is the stuff I am into at the moment:

1. At the advice of Ramose Daskalodos I am going to try and restart any habit that has fallen apart on the New Moon. Hopefully getting some umph from the timing, and reducing my down time from 1 month to 3 years down to 2 weeks.

2. Those habits are going to be a certain meditation, proper timing of my Longterm insulin, Cleaning my sink every night, using my Lumosity subscription each day, Studying for an hour each day, and balancing my “check book” each friday.

3. http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/ has caught my interest after Tim Ferriss linked to an article about the guy on Facebook. I like his ideas and have considered adopting a similar plan once I get more of a job going.

4. I’m going to get a Christmas job. Start interviews on Monday, hopefully the first one is a success and I can just prepare for that job.

5.  Listening to Caribou on repeat. http://youtu.be/vNOdF4zh9Kg

6.  I’m recalling 6 dreams a morning, soon to be lucid ones. Been closer every night.

I’ve been doing alot. Beating depression that was supposed to have died years ago, working hard for better grades in college, learning to utilize my dreams for various purposes, and maintaining some old friendships. I have not been working out or writing on here, though. Hopefully that will change soon. We’ll see.

So, I mentioned that I have had some trouble staying on track. This week I purposely did my workouts different days so I wouldn’t be sore when I went to hangout with my girlfriend. The bad part is that this one day I moved my workouts around changed how I was thinking about workouts in general. A weird loss of direction that I have seen myself repeat over and over in countless hobbies. This time I want to think about it some before it causes any real problems to see if that introspection will lead to a resurgence of discipline or insight into the problem.

The first thing that popped into my head when I thought about the timing of my workouts this week was the tops I played with as a kid in my Paupau’s rec room. They were old fashioned wooden tops that you wound up with a string and then held just right on the hard wood table to pull the string and watch the alien twirl of the toy. As I watched them I always loved the moments when they began to wobble. I tried to spot the very first moments of their demise. My workout this week looked to me more like the full shaking back and forth of the top’s death throes.

With that image in mind I realize that I need to ignore any outside influences, any ideas that it is too late in the day or that I am already tired or I have eaten too recently. Like Cobb’s top from Inception I needed to ignore all of reality and rules that might distract me from my beautiful unaging children and just go for it like I haven’t noticed a thing. That is why I just did a workout at 10:30pm, which historically makes it super hard for me to sleep, and is likely why I am writing a blog post instead of sleeping. However I am back on schedule today!

Next week I need to keep this up. Sometimes I let myself come up with all sorts of reasons of not wanting to be sore(I know, that is a pitiful reason) or because other responsibilities come up and I have poor time management. The most dangerous option is to ignore my workouts with the idea that I am doing something more important like meditating or studying for classes in the coming semester. Yes, those ARE much more important, however they are not stopping me from working out and acting as if they are is just insulting myself.

Something I let hold me up over the last year was a stupid idea that I NEEDED certain situations in order to do my workouts, like I needed to set up my gymnast rings or I needed to find a place tall enough for me to hang without my feet on the ground. These were easy things to find, tree limbs and swing sets and problems solved. The issue was that I made excuses. The swing sets were to thick of bars. The tree limbs near my house were either to high or made getting my gymnast rings down a living hell. (A homeless man once went to nighttime construction crews around town to find me a ladder to get down a gymnast ring that accidentally got stuck in a tree.) However thick bars are often sought after, and tree limbs are in abundance if you just ride your bike or drive for a few minutes in ANY direction. I am not stopped by real physical barriers like my diabetes, however little psychological walls can feel like they are thousands of yard tall.

 

However, right now, I am on schedule. All I have to do, is be on schedule when Monday comes.

 

Also, because of the inception reference, check it out: http://inception.davepedu.com/

Today I was out doing some chores for my mom. Just picking up some stuff to fix her bike and get some groceries for the next day or two. I went to Walmart first, for the bike parts. I don’t really like Walmart, so I head to a Publix nearby to grab the food. I got there, had some delicious pork tenderloin at those little “meal station” things they have in the front right of Publixes. The potatoes were too hot and I almost burned my mouth. I went on and got my bananas and yogurt and other healthy stuff. I’m at the very end of my shopping looking for raisin bread for mom. I look down.

 

My shopping cart is gone…

 

I saw a guy on the aisle when I stopped by the bread, but I didn’t look at him, I don’t even know what color shirt he had on. His cart, with some plastic cups and plates, is still in the aisle, facing the opposite direction of me. He would have had to come around to get my cart and walk off with the load of yogurt and fruit. I start wandering around the store quickly mumbling “What the fuck?” under my breath while overly exercised soccer moms glare at me if they hear me. SOme glare at me just because I seem to have a purpose to my movement, I’m not sure why that bothers them, but it seems to. I go toward the milk corner, but no luck, everyone there has their own carts and they look at me untrusting because of how studiously I examine their carts.

That would be a great prank wouldn’t it? You see a friend in a grocery store, but they haven’t seen you, so you just duck your head and grab something big from their cart and hurry away. How would they react? You aren’t really stealing anything. They don’t own it yet. Maybe it is something you were looking for. Is there a precedent for what to do when someone takes something that isn’t yours?

So, I am heading back to the bread aisle to stand next to the cart for when the guy realizes his cart is not with him at check-out. For a second I see my familiar pile of yogurt, bananas, and Greenwise brand cookies. I walk up to the man, and politely say “Hey, were you just in the bread aisle? Cause you have my cart.” I’ve never seen a man so embarrassed and flustered. I would have felt bad for him, if he hadn’t just taken my cart. He was mortified. Not so much as to stop him from getting the wine he wanted from that aisle, but enough so that this story would never be told except by me, over and over and over again.

 

This really made my day so much better.

“My veins burn with my anger and my tongue is dried by the hot winds of my rage.”

This week I became very angry due to having run out of patience I had for a person I know who is overly critical of our mutual friend. I’ve already complained about them, and that quote is how I described to my best friend the way I felt.

I don’t really get angry very often. I get disappointed in humanity and certain societies, but very rarely do I become angry. This is probably the first time in over a year that I have been angry enough to feel it in my muscles. I actually felt what ever hormones and chemicals my body was producing, burning away in my muscles. It was fascinating.

I wonder why this situation made me so angry when there have been plenty of terrible situations I have been through or watched others endure this year that it would have been reasonable to become angry about.  I’d like to really search this out in myself, because it is so rare to get the chance to look at my anger, but I think it is too private to go much further on here.

However, I have noticed that it has been much easier to make me angry since this happened. Not to the same degree, but more anger than I am used to.

I also noticed it has made me more sore than normal, right after I am angry.

To end, one of my favorite quotes about anger, “Beware the fury of a patient man.” ~John Dryden

9-18-2013

Yesterday I didn’t do anything, mostly because I forgot I had something I do on the third day of my workout cycle, haha.

Today was really exciting because it is the first time in about 4-5 years I have tried doing diamond Push-ups, or Close Push-ups as they are called in Convict Conditioning. The last time I tried these mostly consisted of me lowering myself to the ground and then rolling over and getting up and acting like I hadn’t been doing anything. I probably went to play some video games to make myself feel better.

This time?

1:10 Diamond Push ups

1:6

1:8

My form was a bit off for my second set, which is why I was able to do more in the last set. It was REALLY exciting. If I had realized I was at 24 I would have pumped out one more just to claim 25 of them in one workout.

I also did close squats, with my heels spaced only 3 inches apart. I was bale to maintain my balance and they were generally easy, I didn’t get any pain in my right knee either, which is where I had some surgery when I was younger, so that was also very exciting.

2:20 Close Squats

In case you aren’t familiar with Diamond Push ups, this is a nice video example: