Archives for the month of: May, 2018

I had movers come in, pack the last stuff I hadn’t made it to yet and put everything in a storage container. It was nice. The movers were friendly and we got along. It made me realize that almost all of my anxiety about packing was due to trying to do so much of it on my own. From now on I’ll just have packing parties and empty any alcohol bottles I have and eat up as much of my food as I have by feeding anyone who comes over.

Finding direction is going to be strange, because I am skilled in a number of areas that are all interesting to me. Now I have to work on either getting more certification, or make a living with something that just works off my fresh Psychology degree. The most difficult aspect, I predict, will be dealing with the impatience of my peers or loved ones. People have expectations they are comfortable with and ideas about success they believe in that are often excellent for their lives, but rarely extend to the people close to them even if they work for many people in the world. Because I have often pitched the idea of teaching social and communication skills, as my favorite cousin puts it “soft skills”, with great responses and at inopportune times gotten offers to be paid for such courses. I think I will start with pursuing that angle.

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He walks into the coffee shop and walks up to the register. It’s his favorite place in town, all of them. His second home. He barely knows the barista standing there and for a second panics as he looks for the names. He looks around his memories and before he finds them his eye catches a board with skinny modern retro polaroids with people posing as naturally as they can with names scribbled on the grips with a sharpie. Lincoln, that’s his name. He’s seen him before and enjoyed their conversation. The context flowing back he feels guilty for losing that one detail or which name floating in his mind is connected to him and so he has no idea what drink he wants when the small talk runs out and it is time to choose. He goes with a latte and notices Theo walking towards the doors through the giant floor to ceiling glass front of the store.

Now he can’t find his wallet. He keeps looking and looking through the same pockets. Patting himself down like a criminal. Stepping to the side so Theo can order it becomes a battle of friendliness. Just as he says for the other to go ahead he finds his wallet. It only took reaching in the same pocket five times in a row to realize it was a wallet and not a glucometer. He pays for his order a bit quicker than normal. Excited to see friends but nervous and in the way, in his mind.

Sitting at the coffee bar they talk about couches, art, and graduating from college. Eventually they get into a discussion of Old Boy and Youtubers and Sincerity. Can you choose to be sincere? He talks about how he doesn’t believe you can and how listening to Alan Watts influenced most of his thoughts on the topic. Maybe Jesse will take his sofa away though. It’s a good conversation and they part ways.

 

Descriptive writing, changed names because I felt like it.

Whenever I have a day or week where I am on a roll and getting stuff done, eventually I hit a day where I have to slow down and do different work. For years I’ve felt guilty whenever this inevitably happens. I flare up with activity, and then ash out around where I am getting excited about how productive I’ve been. Today is one of those days. However, unlike the years before I’ve been able to maintain a peace of mind. I’ve been doing better and better about sitting for regular meditation. I think it is what has given me the space to be okay with slowing down. I still got important things done today, and I am writing this, for instance. I think in the past I was too devoted to productive days being an all-or-nothing issue. The day was either a success or failure, while now these slow days are when I have to look for other ways to keep myself moving on my goals. Today has been good for research and for moving things around that haven’t needed much decision making longterm plans. Getting the in-between things done so that when the wind picks back up I will just be able to raise my sails and move on.

I am moving out of my apartment. “I am not too good at moving,” I keep thinking. Packing my stuff away reminds me of how much stuff I still own. Which reminds me of how hard a time I have with letting go of my possessions. It is hard not to judge myself for this after so many years reading spiritual texts that constantly encourage the relinquishment of physical attachments. However at the same time it is gratifying to see my things ordered and arranged. Each thing in it’s place. Finally. I wonder if it is easier to discard the things that have served their purpose in my life when they are organized like this. It may be more difficult because of how the options are hidden. It reminds me of the idea that it is easier to make some decisions one by one. I think that non-attachment might be like that with items, for me personally. When I see it all laid out I feel like I am getting rid of a part of a whole thing and making it less of a thing. When I am choosing books out of a box they are just items I am shopping through. It helps a bunch that some of my friends are minimalists. They are always inspiring me to let go and give away. It reminds me how nice it is for the person receiving when ever they give me a gift and be association how good it would feel to be the person giving the gift.

If my plans go well, I may be moving to a whole different country. I can barely imagine what it is like to move with just a suitcase of your favorite cloths and maybe a few keepsakes. More about that if it approaches reality any time soon.

I graduated from college last week on April 28th, 2018. I got a Bachelor’s of Arts in Psychology with a Minor in Philosophy. I started college in 2009 and a year laterI had to take my first break from college because I wasn’t focussing well enough for it to be worth taking classes and there was a growing legal battle in my family that I needed to be around to know what was happening. I went back after a semester off and staid with it for a few more years. I failed classes if I didn’t get along with the professor. I always did well in classes that I liked or got along with them. Then I had to take another break that lasted a school year. I got heartbroken. Got a job as a hipster Barista. Learned how to work just for work’s sake. Got heartbroken again, and that was around when I came back to college and now have finished.

There wasn’t much time wasted these years. I made friends who I’ve kept over long distances and many years. I saw each year a new culture of people come into the college and tried to learn as much as I could about how life as a teenager had changed since I first came to college. What mattered to people and how they made friends. It feels like I’ve lived three or four lives just in college. I’ve had different major friend-groups and close friends. I’ve had all sorts of relationships and have gotten frustrated over how few words English has for the different ways you can love people. From years where almost everyone on campus knew me to years where no one did to where the professors felt more like my peers than my classmates because I had been there as long as they had. I’ve made use of every week I’ve been here to learn about people and the world inside and outside of class.

I wrote this because of how many memes and jokes I see about how life gets harder or goes downhill or just kinda stops being fun after college. It reminded me that the only reason life feels stagnant is because you aren’t pushing your growth on your own power. So I felt like writing something.

 

Also, I taught my cat to sit on command, and to come to his name. Not much more, he is pretty well behaved.